Trish Jensen on
Why I Want To Be A Religious Cult Leader
It seems to me that being a religious cult leader
has some appeal. You get to say some of the funniest things and still have
dozens of stupid, zombie-like individuals nod their heads in agreement
This guy down in Waco is whacko, but he's got
nearly one hundred people willing to shoot government officials in his defense.
David Koresh is waiting for a sign from God. Now
I'm not sure why God hasn't sent him one yet -- a lightning bolt to the head
would be my personal preference -- but I do know that the FBI and the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms sent him a doozy. Still, he and his followers are
waiting for something bigger.
My question for this nutcase is this: Mr. Koresh,
if you're truly Jesus Christ, that makes you God's son, right? Why must you wait
for a sign from Dad? Don't you just naturally have a cosmic phone line to him?
Don't you and Dad talk? Oh, and by the way, if I were Dad, I'd ground you big
time, Son.
Where in the world do people like David Koresh
find people like his followers to believe the bull he spews? The term "gullible"
just doesn't quite do it when describing these people. The term "brain-dead"
starts to come close.
Well I insist on jumping on the cult leader band
wagon. My sect will be called Jensen's Jehovahs, and our motto will be,
"Dustballs Don't Kill, People Do." My sect will have the following beliefs:
1) Cult leader must never, ever be made to do
laundry. This duty will be performed by cult followers, who may be stupid, but
still know when the fabric softener gets added.
2) Cult leader may marry as many men as she sees
fit. The by-laws will stipulate only that the men must be ex-Chippendale Dancers
or American Gladiators (cuts down on the amount of laundry cult members must
wash).
3) Cult leader may eat all the butter she wants,
and she will still never have a cholesterol problem.
4) Cult leader may occasionally indulge in junk
food, and she will never gain an ounce of fat.
5) Cult leader must never be seen sweating.
Therefore she will have to forego exercise. She will burn calories watching her
husbands work out.
6) Cult leader must frolic in style. Therefore
cult followers are going to have to raise some serious bucks. Cult leader will
not question how this is done, but she frowns on hawking pencils at the airport.
It's too cliche for this chic cult.
7) Cult leader must maintain a professional,
vital, happy image. Therefore she must endure daily massages. Cult leader is
more than willing to make this sacrifice for the good of the group.
8) At least one member of the cult must be a good
hair stylist. Cult leader prefers said stylist is a Brad Pitt look alike, but
this is not a requirement.
9) Cult leader must maintain closets full of
beautiful clothes. However, since cult leader hates to go clothes shopping, cult
followers are instructed to just buy everything.
10) If cult leader is happy, cult followers may
be happy. If cult leader is unhappy, cult followers better do something quick.
Helpful hint: He should be at least six feet tall and have biceps that ripple
(and, by the way, if he looks like my honey, Ross, cult followers get a bonus).
I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.
Thank you, Waco whacko, for opening my eyes. Okay, line forms on the left. Who
wants to join?
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