Trish Jensen On
The Tradition of the High School Senior Prom
WARNING: High school students should not read
this column.
Ah yes, spring. While for other people this time
of year conjures images of pansies and birds doing really strange things in
mid-air, it reminds me only of one thing.
My senior prom.
I try not to shudder uncontrollably at the
memory, but it takes more effort than I wish to exert, so if this column looks a
little blurry to you, I apologize profusely.
Whoever invented the senior prom should be drawn,
quartered, and forced to wear a powder blue tuxedo for the rest of his natural
life.
Why IS there a senior prom? What is its purpose?
I'm sure all of you who've attended your senior prom are asking yourselves this
same burning question. And I'm sure you've come up with a wide variety of
answers.
For those of you lucky enough to bypass this
dreaded rite of passage, let me tell you exactly what you missed:
1) You missed spending a fortune of your parents'
money on a dress you'll wear exactly once, and then want to burn the following
morning. I can't even remember what my prom dress looked like -- and since I
shredded all evidence of that night, I don't even have pictures to remind me.
All I remember about that dress is that it itched
like crazy, and Trevor Miller (not his real name) spent the entire evening
trying to get me out of it (he failed, by the way, which leads me right into
senior prom purpose number two).
2) The purpose of the senior prom is for the boy
to spend a fortune on dinner for his date, then expect her to pay him back in
some other creative --and potentially harmful to her reputation -- way. Trevor
spent all night mumbling, "I should have taken her to McDonald's."
3) One express purpose of the senior prom is for
young men and women to have an excuse to stay out all night, pretending to have
the time of their lives. I would have rather been home watching the shopping
channel.
If we're looking for an excuse for seniors to do
something they aren't normally allowed to do, let's resurrect senior skip day.
Now THAT day I had a blast (of course, I was in school, mom...really I was).
4) The purpose of the senior prom is for the prom
committee to have an excuse to put your ugly senior picture on something larger
than life, and make you wish you'd worn a mask at the photo shoot.
Our prom committee was very creative. They put
every senior's picture on a dart board. For some reason, everyone decided to use
mine for actual practice.
5) The purpose of the senior prom is to dance to
music from a band that couldn't get a real gig. You should have heard the band
at my prom. They mutilated "Stairway To Heaven" to the point that it came out
sounding like "Rock Around The Clock."
Trevor didn't notice the poor quality of the
music. He was too busy trying to place his hands on inappropriate parts of my
body. Did I mention that Trevor was a very persistent fellow? Did I mention
Trevor looked funny with punch dripping from his head?
6) The purpose of the senior prom is for everyone
to smile at everyone else, while secretly laughing at the ruffled pinafore look.
I think it should be a rule that all girls wear the same prom dress and all guys
be required by law to wear black.
You might discern from this little discussion
that I didn't have the best time at my senior prom. And really, none of my
friends did, either. After the hype it just tends to be a letdown.
But for some reason the prom tradition endures.
So, for all you students who ignored the warning and read this column anyway,
hope your prom is a whole heckuva lot more fun than mine was.
And do your parents a favor and make it home safe,
okay?
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